UBU SINGS UBU

Adapted by Tony Torn from a Google Translate conversion of Alfred Jarry's Ubu Roi

in collaboration with Dan Safer and Nicole Peyrafette

Songs by Pere Ubu. Lyrics by David Thomas.


 

Scene I

 

Act I Scene I

Pere Ubu Ubu Mere

 

PERE UBU

Shh-it.

MERE UBU

Oh! here is the lovely Pere Ubu, ye are a very great rogue.

PERE UBU

What!  I kill you, Mere Ubu!

MERE UBU

It's not me, Pa Ubu, is another that should be killed.

PERE UBU

By my green candle, I do not understand.

MERE UBU

How! Pa Ubu, are you happy with your fate?

PERE UBU

By my green candle, Shh-it, ma'am, yes indeed, I'm happy. It would be a minimum: captain of dragoons, trust officer of King Wenceslas, decorated with the order of the Red Eagle of Poland and former king of Aragon, what would you be better?

MERE UBU

How! after being king of Aragon you just carry journals fifty footmen arms straight razor, when you could be wearing the crown of Poland on your face?

PERE UBU

Ah! Ma Ubu, I do not understand what you say.

MERE UBU

You're so stupid!

PERE UBU

By my green candle, King Wenceslas is still alive, and even if he die, did he not legions of children?

MERE UBU

Which prevents you from killing the entire family and put yourself in their place?

PERE UBU

Ah! Ma Ubu, do me wrong and I’ll cook you and eat you.

MERE UBU

Eh! wretch, eat me, who would mend your funds panties?

PERE UBU

Oh really! Then what? Isn’t my ass like everybody else?

MERE UBU

In your place, that ass, I want to install it on a throne. You could increase your wealth indefinitely, very often eat the sausage and roll carriage through the streets.

PERE UBU

Ah! I cede to the temptation. Bugger Shh-it, Shit the guy, if I ever meet him at the corner of a wood, he spent a bad quarter of an hour.

MERE UBU

Ah! Well, Pa Ubu, here you are becoming a real man!

PERE UBU

Oh no! me, captain of dragoons, killing the King of Poland! rather die!

MERE UBU

Apart. Oh! Shh-it! Aloud So you're gonna stay poor as a rat, Pa Ubu.

PERE UBU

Ventrebleu, by my green candle, I'd rather be lean and brave and poor as a rat than a wicked as a rich and fat cat.

MERE UBU

Apart. Fart, Shh-it, it was hard to detente, but fart, Shh-it, I think I have yet shaken it. Thanks to God and myself, maybe in a week I'll be Queen of Poland.

 

Nonalignment Pact.

 

PERE UBU

I wanna make a deal with you girl

and get it signed by the heads of state.

 

MERE UBU

I wanna make a deal with you girl.

Be recognized round the world.

 

BOTH

Well, it's my nonalignment pact.

Nonalignment pact. Nonalignment pact. Nonalignment pact.

 

MERE UBU

At night I can see the stars on fire

and I can see the world in flames.

 

PERE UBU

And it's all because of you girl

or your thousand other names.

Peggy. Carrie Ann. And Betty Jean.

Jill. Joan. Jan. And Sue.

Alice. Cindy. Barbara Ann.

You know. It's all because of you.

It's all because of you girl. You know.

It's all because of you.

It's all because of you girl. You know.

It's all because of you.

You better sign my...

 

BOTH

….nonalignment pact.

Nonalignment pact. Nonalignment pact. Nonalignment pact.

 

Nonalignment pact.

Nonalignment pact. Nonalignment pact. Nonalignment pact.


 

Scene II

The scene represents a room in the house of Pere Ubu. A splendid table is prepared.

MERE UBU

Eh! our guests are late.

PERE UBU

Yes, by my green candle. I crave hunger. Ma Ubu, you're very ugly today. Is it because we have the world watching?

MERE UBU, shrugging her shoulders.

Shh-it.

PERE UBU, grabbing a chicken roti.

Hey, I'm hungry. I bite into this bird. This is a chicken, I think. It is not bad.

MERE UBU

What are you doing unhappy? What our guests eat?

PERE UBU

They will still have enough. I will not touch anything more. Ma Ubu, go and see if the window has our guests arriving.

MERE UBU going there. I see nothing.

Meanwhile the Pere Ubu stole momos.

MERE UBU

Ah! here the Captain Edge arrives. What do you eat there, Pere Ubu?

PERE UBU

Nothing, a little momo.

MERE UBU

Ah! Momo! Momo! He eats the Momos! Help!

PERE UBU By my green candle, I'll scratch your eyes out.

The door opens.

MERE UBU

Hello, we are looking forward. Sit.

CAPTAIN EDGE

Hello, ma'am. But where is Pere Ubu?

PERE UBU

Here I am! here I am! Hell, by my green candle, I'm big enough yet.

While trying to get up

Phew, a little more.

CAPTAIN EDGE

Hello, Pere Ubu.

They sit.

PERE UBU

I thrust my chair.

CAPTAIN EDGE

Eh! Mere Ubu! What’s good today?

MERE UBU

Here is the menu.

PERE UBU

Oh! this interests me.

MERE UBU

Polish soup, veal, chicken, pasta dog, turkey tails, charlotte russe..

PERE UBU

Eh! you believe me Emperor of the East to such expenses?

MERE UBU

Do not listen, it's fool! Bomb, salad, fruit, dessert, boiled artichokes, cauliflower a-la-shit.

PERE UBU

Bugger, that's bad.

CAPTAIN EDGE

This is not good, indeed.

MERE UBU

Bunch of marmosets, that you need?

PERE UBU,

striking his forehead. Oh! I have an idea. I'll be back just now.

MERE UBU

Gentlemen, we will taste the momo.

CAPTAIN EDGE

It is very good, I'm done.

MERE UBU

Try the rumps now.

CAPTAIN EDGE

Exquisite, exquisite! Vive MERE UBU.

PERE UBU returning.

And you will soon sharp scream the Pere Ubu.

He holds a toilet brush out to Mere Ubu and Captain Edge.

MERE UBU

Miserable, what are you doing?

PERE UBU

Taste a bit.

They all taste.

PERE UBU

Well, Captain, you dine well?

CAPTAIN EDGE

Well, sir, except the Shh-it.

PERE UBU

Eh! the Shh-it was not bad.

MERE UBU

Each to his taste.

PERE UBU

Captain Edge, I decided to make you Duke of Lithuania.

CAPTAIN EDGE

How, I thought you were stinking beggar, Pere Ubu.

PERE UBU

In a few days, if you want, I reign in Poland.

CAPTAIN EDGE

You'll kill Wenceslas?

PERE UBU

It is not bad, this guy, he guessed.

CAPTAIN EDGE

If it comes to killing Wenceslas I am in. I'm his mortal enemy and I answer for my men.

PERE UBU,

Oh! Oh!

 

Navvy

 

PERE UBU

I've got these arms & legs that flipflop,

flip flop.

I've got these arms & legs that flipflop,

flip flop.

I've got these arms & legs that flipflop,

flip-flip-flop!

I have desire.

 

CAPTAIN EDGE & MERE UBU

"Freedom!"

 

PERE UBU

I have desire.

 

CAPTAIN EDGE & MERE UBU

"Somewhere to go!"

 

PERE UBU

I have desire

 

CAPTAIN EDGE & MERE UBU

"Freedom!"

 

PERE UBU

I have desire.

 

CAPTAIN EDGE, PERE UBU, & MERE UBU

"Somewhere to go!"

 

CAPTAIN EDGE

Boy, that sounds swell!

 

MERE UBU

Boy, that sounds swell!

 

ALL

Boy, that sounds swell!

 

PERE UBU

In my ears I heard a hurricane blow.

In my ears I heard a hurricane grow.

In my ears I heard a hurricane blow

In my ears I heard a hurricane glow.

I have desire.

 

CAPTAIN EDGE & MERE UBU

"Freedom!"

 

PERE UBU

I have desire.

 

CAPTAIN EDGE & MERE UBU

"Somewhere to go!"

 

PERE UBU

I have desire

 

CAPTAIN EDGE & MERE UBU

"Freedom!"

 

PERE UBU

I have desire.

 

CAPTAIN EDGE & MERE UBU

"Somewhere to go!"

 

CAPTAIN EDGE

Boy, that sounds swell!

 

MERE UBU

Boy, that sounds swell!

 

ALL

Boy, that sounds swell!

 

PERE UBU

I've got these arms & legs that flipflop,

flip flop.

I've got these arms & legs that flipflop,

flip flop.

I've got these arms & legs that flipflop,

flip-flip-flop!

I have desire.

 

CAPTAIN EDGE & MERE UBU

"Freedom!"

 

PERE UBU

I have desire.

 

CAPTAIN EDGE & MERE UBU

"Somewhere to go!"


 

I have desire

 

CAPTAIN EDGE & MERE UBU

"Freedom!"

 

PERE UBU

I have desire.

CAPTAIN EDGE & MERE UBU

"Somewhere to go!"

 

ALL

Boy, that sounds swell!

Boy, that sounds swell!

Boy, that sounds swell!

 

PERE UBU,

throwing himself on Edge to kiss.

Oh! Oh! I love you, Edge.

CAPTAIN EDGE

Eh! you stink, Pere Ubu. So, you do not wash?

PERE UBU

Rarely.

MERE UBU

Ever!

PERE UBU

I'm gonna walk all over you.

MERE UBU

Big Shh-it!

PERE UBU

Go, Edge, I'm done with you. But by my green candle, I swear on Mere Ubu to make you Duke of Lithuania.

MERE UBU

But ...

PERE UBU

Hush, my sweet child.

Edge leaves. Messenger Arrives

PERE UBU

Sir, what do you want? scram, you bother me.

THE MESSENGER

Phone Rings

Hello...Yes, I’ll check.

]It’s the king.

Ubu Motions not here.

He’s not here. Can I take a message.

Sir, you are called to the castle by the king.

PERE UBU

Oh! Shh-it, Jarnicotonbleu (pronounce: Jar Knee Cotton Blu), by my green candle, I discovered, I will be beheaded! alas! alas! !

MERE UBU

What soft man! and time is short.

PERE UBU

Oh! I have an idea: I would say that this is all the Mere Ubu and Captain Edge.

MERE UBU

Ah! P.U. big, if you do that ...

PERE UBU

Eh! I am going to go.

MERE UBU

Oh! Pere Ubu, Pere Ubu, I'll give the sausage.

PERE UBU

Oh! She-it! you are one proud, andouille (pronounce: on do yuh).

 

Drinking Wine Spodyody:

 

PERE UBU

I see her nearly everyday.

Just a girl but she's okay.

I figure if she's heaven sent new disclosures should be imminent;

real strain could be evident;

metaphysics would be provident;

I'd sure to be obedient;

I'd love to be penitent.

 

Here she comes.

And then there she goes.

Cloud...

One Four Nine!

 

Scene III

 

The king's palace.

 

KING

Price Bougrelas (pronounce Booger-lass) and Queen Rosemond, you have been very cheeky this morning with Mr. Pere Ubu, knight of my orders.  That is why I invited him to review my troops with me.

BOUGRELAS

Yes, my father.

QUEEN ROSEMOND

But again, did I not see him in dreams striking his mace and throwing you in the Vistula, and an eagle like the one in the arms of Poland placing the crown on his face ?

KING

Who?

QUEEN ROSEMOND

Mr. Pere Ubu.

KING

What madness. Mr. Pere Ubu is a very good gentleman, who would take four horses for my service.

BOUGRELAS

What a mistake!

KING

Shut up, young marmoset. And you, madam, to show you how little I fear Mr. Pere Ubu, I'll go to the review as I am, without arms, without sword.

QUEEN ROSEMOND

Fatal imprudence, I will not see you alive.

 

Enter Pere Ubu, Captain Edge, soldiers

 

PERE UBU

Be careful, you others.

KING

Noble Mr. Pere Ubu, come near me to inspect the troops.

PERE UBU  

Here we go, sir, here we go.

KING

What ails you, Mr. Pere Ubu?

CAPTAIN EDGE

He drank too much.

KING

Like me this morning.

PERE UBU

Yes, I'm drunk, it's because I drank too much wine in France.

KING

Mr. Pere Ubu, I want to reward your many services as captain of dragoons, and I now make you Count of Sandomir.

PERE UBU

Mr. Wenceslas O, I do not know how to thank you.

KING

Do not thank me, Mr. Pere Ubu, and find yourself there tomorrow morning.

PERE UBU

I'll be there, but agree, Grace, this little kazoo.

He presents the king with a kazoo.

KING

What do you have? At my age a kazoo? I give to Bougrelas.

BOUGRELAS

He’s bad, father, this Ubu.

PERE UBU

And now I'll get the hell out. (He falls turning.) Oh! Ouch! help! By my green candle, I broke the intestine and the creve Bouzine!

KING,

lifting him up.Mr.  Pere Ubu, ye are you hurt?

PERE UBU

Yes indeed, and I'll probably die. What will the Mrs. Mere Ubu?

KING

We will provide a pension.

PERE UBU

You have goodly goodness at least. Yes, but King

Wenceslas, you'll be no less massacred.

 

Explosion.

KING

Oh! help! Lady, I'm dead.

PERE UBU

Ah! I have the crown! Others now! Down with traitors!!

 

Life Stinks (part one)

 

PERE UBU

Life stinks.

I said I'm seeing pink.

I said uh I can't wink and now I can't blink.

I said I like the Kinks cuz I need a drink.

I can't think cuz I like the Kinks.

I said life stinks.

I said I need a drink.

Yeah life stinks.

I said life stinks.

I said Yeah!


 

Scene IV

 

Queen Rosemond and Bougrelas watch the carnage on TV

 

BOUGRELAS

Ah! what do I see? My two brothers pursued by Pere Ubu and Captain Edge!

QUEEN ROSEMOND

O my God! Blessed Virgin, they lose, they lose ground!

BOUGRELAS

The whole army follows Pere Ubu. The King is gone. Horror! Help!

QUEEN ROSEMOND

Oh! They are surrounded.

BOUGRELAS

It is done. Edge just cut them in half like a sausage.

QUEEN ROSEMOND

Ah! Alas! The furious mob penetrate into the palace, they climb the stairs.

The clamor increases.

QUEEN ROSEMOND AND BOUGRELAS

My God, defend us.

BOUGRELAS

Oh! Pere Ubu ! This! The rogue, the miserable, if I wanted ..

The door is saggy, Pere Ubu, Edge and the furious mob penetrates.

PERE UBU

Eh! Bougrelas, what wouldst thou do?

BOUGRELAS

Hey, punk! here is your account!

PERE UBU

Oh! Edge, I'm afraid! let me go.

QUEEN ROSEMOND

Hold on, Bougrelas, hold on!

BOUGRELAS

Mother, save yourself, the secret staircase.

QUEEN ROSEMOND

And you, my son, and you?

BOUGRELAS

Ah! thank God! here is my revenge!

 

Life Stinks (reprise)

 

PERE UBU & BOUGRELAS

Life stinks.

I said I'm seeing pink.

I said I can't wink and now I can't blink.

I said I like the Kinks cuz I need a drink.

I said I like the Kinks cuz I can't think ya'know.

Life stinks.

I said life stinks.

I said life stinks.

Yeah life stinks.

I said...

 

(BOUGRELAS decoud the boudouille a terrible blow of sword.)

 

BOUGRELAS

Mother, I am!

They disappear by the secret staircase.

 

Mere Ubu joins Captain Edge to dress Ubu's wound

 

Scene V

 

Ubu, delirious from his wound, dreams of QUEEN ROSEMOND and BOUGRELAS in the snow

 

QUEEN ROSEMOND

Bougrelas, support me! I fall on the snow.

BOUGRELAS

Ha! What have you, my mother?

QUEEN ROSEMOND

I am very ill, believe me, Bougrelas. I have no more to live.

BOUGRELAS

What! Cold, you have entered it?

QUEEN ROSEMOND

O Bougrelas! When I remember how happy we were before the arrival of Pere Ubu! But now, alas! everything is changing!

BOUGRELAS

What do you want? Look do not give up hope, and never our rights.

QUEEN ROSEMOND

I wish, my dear, but I will not see this happy day.

BOUGRELAS

Eh! what is it? She fades, she falls. To the rescue! But I'm in a desert! O my God! Her heart no longer beats. She is dead! Is it possible? Another victim of Pere Ubu! (He hides his face in his hands and weeps.) Oh my God! It is sad to see only fourteen years with terrible vengeance continuing!

He falls prey to the most violent despair. Ancestors fill the cave. The oldest approaches Bougrelas and gently wakes him

BOUGRELAS

Eh! what do I see? my family, my ancestors ... By what miracle?

SHADOW

Learn, Bougrelas, I was in my life the Lord Mathias Koenigsberg, the first king and the founder of the house. I give you the care of our vengeance. (He gives him a great sword.) And may this sword that I give you not rest until it hits & kills the usurper.

All disappear, and Bougrelas left alone in the attitude of ecstasy.

 

Scene VI

 

The king's palace. Mere Ubu, Captain Border drag delirious Ubu from his sick bed

 

PERE UBU

No, I do not want to! Do you want to ruin me with these bouffres (pronounced Boufs)?

CAPTAIN EDGE

Pere Ubu, if you want to be crowned, the people expect gifts for the big event.

MERE UBU

If you do not distribute meat and gold, you will reverse within two hours.

PERE UBU

Meat, yes! gold, no! Shoot three old horses, it is very good for such monkeys.

MERE UBU

You’re a monkey yourself! Who stuck me with an animal of this sort?

PERE UBU

Again, I want to get rich, I will not give a penny.

MERE UBU

We will hand over all the treasures of Poland.

CAPTAIN EDGE

Yes, I know there is huge treasure, the chapel, we distribute.

PERE UBU

Miserable if you do that!

CAPTAIN EDGE

But, Pere Ubu, if you do not the people will not pay taxes.

PERE UBU

Is this true?

MERE UBU

Yes, yes!

PERE UBU

Oh, then I agree everything. Gather three million, and cook one hundred and fifty beef and sheep, I have to eat too!

The palace courtyard fills with people. Pere Ubu crowned, Mere Ubu, Captain Edge, minions loads of meat.

PEOPLE

Here is the King! Long live the King! Hurray!

PERE UBU, throwing gold.

Hold, here for you. It hardly amuses me to give you money, but you know, this is what the Mere Ubu wanted. Pay good taxes.

ALL

Yes, yes!

CAPTAIN EDGE

See, Mere Ubu, they argue that gold. What a battle!

MERE UBU

It is true that it is horrible. Ugh! here is one with the skull split.

PERE UBU

What a beautiful sight! Bring other boxes of gold. My friends, you see this box of gold, it contains three hundred thousand nobles has pink gold, Polish currency and of good quality.

ALL

Yes! Vive le Pere Ubu! What a good king!

PERE UBU

Holding Mere Ubu, with joy. Listen to them!

ALL

Vive le Pere Ubu!

 

The Modern Dance.

 

PERE UBU (with ALL on backup)

Down at the bus. (Merdre Merdre)

Into the town. (Merdre Merdre)

Our poor boy can't get around. (Merdre Merdre)

Eight fifty-five. (Merdre Merdre)

Down at the show. (Merdre Merdre)

She leaves early. He'll never know. (Merdre Merdre)

Cuz our poor boy. (Merdre Merdre)

He believes in chance. (Merdre Merdre)

He'll never get the modern dance.

And it moves like...

 

Under the door. (Merdre Merdre)

An eye on the place. (Merdre Merdre)

He watches for the shadow race. (Merdre Merdre)

Watch real close. (Merdre Merdre)

Look real fast. (Merdre Merdre)

He's in touch. He'll never last. (Merdre Merdre)

Cuz our poor boy. (Merdre Merdre)

He believes in chance. (Merdre Merdre)

He'll never get the modern dance.

And it moves like...

 

Our poor boy. (Merdre Merdre)

He believes in chance. (Merdre Merdre)

He'll never get the modern dance.

And it moves like this...

 

ALL

Vive le Pere Ubu!

PERE UBU

And you, my friends, come to dinner! I open the doors of the palace today, please honor at my table!

PEOPLE

Enter! Enter! Vive le Pere Ubu! it is most noble rulers!

MERE UBU

Now we are King!

PERE UBU

Now we are King!

MERE UBU

Of Poland!

Ubu Farts. They enter the palace. The noise of the orgy that extends overnight.

PERE UBU

By my green candle, here I am king in this country. I already gave me indigestion.

MESSENGER

When you have a stomach ache in Poland, you do a shot of vodka with pepper and then your stomach feels better.

All drink

Intermezzo- Conversation takes place between Edge and Pere Ubu about occurances in prior scene

 

Scene VII

 

PERE UBU

Bring me my big cape.

MERE UBU

What is it, Pere Ubu? Be beautiful, but we kings must be economical.

PERE UBU

My lady female, it is sheepskin, with a clip and flanges of dog.

MERE UBU

That is beautiful, but it is even more beautiful to be kings.

PERE UBU

Yes, you were right, Mere Ubu.

MERE UBU

What?

PERE UBU

You were right Mere Ubu!

MERE UBU

We have to show great appreciation to Duke of Lithuania.

PERE UBU

Who?

MERE UBU

Eh! Captain Edge.

PERE UBU

Grace, Mere Ubu, do not tell me about this bouffre. Now that I no longer need him he may well brush the belly, he shall not have his duchy.

MERE UBU

You are wrong, Pere Ubu, he will turn against you.

PERE UBU

More money to give. Ah! not the time! You made me spoil a good twenty-two million.

MERE UBU

Do has your head, Pere Ubu, cook it in you.

PERE UBU

Well, you're with me in the pot.

 

Ubu Dance Party.

 

PERE UBU

I did not see the darkened sky.

I did not feel the pressure drop.

I walked down the primrose path.

I strolled along the garden walk.

The rain fell and washed away.

I built on sand.

I got swept away.

I went out and stirred the air.

(My soup was steeped in strange ideas.)

I breathed in.

I breathed out.

I breathed in.

I breathed out.

The rain fell and washed away.

I built on sand.

I got swept away.

 

Enter Nobles chained

PERE UBU

Bring the fund Nobles Nobles and the hook and the knife and Nobles Nobles book! Then, advance the Nobles. It grows brutally Nobles.

MERE UBU

Grace, moderate yourself, Pere Ubu.

PERE UBU

I have the honor to inform you that I will enrich the kingdom to kill all Nobles and take their property.

NOBLE

Horror!

PERE UBU

Take the first Noble, give me the hook Noble. Those who are sentenced to death will pass through the trap, fall and get fleeced in the basement of the clamp, get skinned and boned in the House Pork-a-Sub, and then they will be de-brained. Who are you, bouffre?

THE NOBLE #1

Count of Vitebsk.

PERE UBU

How much is your income?

THE NOBLE #1

Three million rix dollars.

PERE UBU

Condemns!

He takes the hook and pushes the Noble through the hole.

MERE UBU

How low ferocity!

PERE UBU

Second Noble, who are you? (The Noble answers nothing.) Say unto you, bouffre?

THE NOBLE #2

Grand Duke of Posen.

PERE UBU

Excellent! excellent! I ask no longer. In the trap. Third Noble, who are you? You have a dirty head.

THE NOBLE #3

Duke of Courland, the cities of Riga, Revel and Mitau.

PERE UBU

Very well! tres bien! You do anything else?

THE NOBLE #3

Nothing.

PERE UBU

In the trap, then. Fourth Noble, who are you?

THE NOBLE #4

Prince of Podolia.

PERE UBU

What is your income?

THE NOBLE #4

I am ruined.

PERE UBU

For this evil word, enters the trap. Fifth Noble, who are you?

THE NOBLE #5

Margrave of Thorn, Palatine of Polock.

PERE UBU

You do anything else?

THE NOBLE #5

That was enough for me.

PERE UBU

Well! little better than nothing. In the trap. What, mewling, Ma Ubu?

MERE UBU

You're too fierce, Pa Ubu.

PERE UBU

Eh! I enriched.  I'm going to get rich, execute all Nobles, get all the vacant property. Go, go Nobles in the hatch.

 

Ubu Dance Party (reprise)

 

PERE UBU

I went out and looked around.

I went out. And I came back!

I walked down the primrose path.

I strolled along the garden walk.

The rain fell and washed away.

My bed of sand got swept away.

 

(Nobles are stacked in the hatch.)

 

PERE UBU

Hurry faster, I want to make laws now.

MERE UBU

But, Pa Ubu, which king you do, you massacres everyone.

PERE UBU

Oh She-it!

MERE UBU

More justice, more finances.

PERE UBU

Do not fear, my sweet child, I will myself from village to village to collect taxes.

CAPTAIN EDGE

Beware, Pere Ubu. For five days that you are king, you have committed more murders than it would take to damn all the saints in Paradise. The blood of the king and nobles cries for vengeance and its cries are heard.

PERE UBU

Eh! my good friend, you have the language well hung.

EDGE escapes

MERE UBU

What a fool man.

PERE UBU

Madame my Shh-it, guard you, because I will not suffer your foolishness. I tell you, gentlemen, that the finances are pretty. A considerable number of dogs with socks are spreading out every morning into the streets and those bitches do wonders. From all sides we see only burnt housing and people bending under the weight of our phynances. And new taxes, are they going?

MERE UBU

Not at all. The tax on gay marriages has not yet produced only 11 cents, and still Pere Ubu chases people everywhere to force them to gay marry.

PERE UBU

Sabre Finance gidouille my horn, financial Madam, I have ears to speak and you mouth to hear me. (Laughter.) Or rather not! You do me wrong and you are cause I'm stupid! But, Horn of Ubu! (A Messenger enters.) Well, well, still there? Begone, monkey, or I'll twist pocket beheading and legs.

MERE UBU

Ah! But there is a letter.

PERE UBU

Read it. I think I'm losing my mind or that I can not read. Depeche up, bouffresque, it must be Captain Edge.

MERE UBU

All precisely. He said that at the Czar he was very well received, he will invade your States to restore Bougrelas and stick your fat head on a pole.

PERE UBU

Ho! ho! I'm scared! I'm scared! Ha! I think die. O poor man that I am. That become great God? The wicked man will kill me. Saint Anthony and all the saints, protegez me, I will give you the phynance and I burn candles for you. Lord, what future?

MERE UBU

There is one thing to do, Pa Ubu.

PERE UBU

Which, my love?

MERE UBU

War! !

PERE UBU

Thank God! That is noble!

MERE UBU

Run, run organize the army. And reunite the food. And prepare artillery and fortresses. And hand over the money for the troops.

CROWD

Long live Poland! Vive le Pere Ubu!

PERE UBU

Ah! No! Ok, I'll kill you, This war shit is expensive. No, by my green candle, make war, but I do not pay a penny. Ah! Ma Ubu, give me my armor and my little piece of wood.

They fit him with armor

How the fuck am I supposed to run for my life in this thing?

MERE UBU

How beautiful it is with his helmet and breastplate, it looks like a pumpkin army.

PERE UBU

Horn physical, I was half dead! But it is equal, I go to war and I will kill everyone.

MERE UBU

Good luck, Mr. Ubu.

PERE UBU

I forgot to tell you I entrust the regency to you. But it’s all in here. So too bad for you if you steal from me. Farewell, Ma Ubu.

MERE UBU

Farewell, Pa Ubu. Well kill the Czar.

PERE UBU

For sure. Twisting of the nose and teeth extraction language and depressing the small piece of wood in ears.

The army moves away to the sound of trumpets.

MERE UBU

alone. That’s my big puppet., Now I’ll strive to make our Business, kill Bougrelas and seize the treasure.

 

Final Solution.

 

PERE UBU

The girls won't touch me cause I got a misdirection,

and livin at night isn't helpin my complexion.

The signs all say it's a social infection.

A little bit of fun's never been an insurrection.

 

Mom threw me out til I get some pants that fit.

She just don't approve of my strange kind of wit.

I get so excited I always gotta lose it,

then they pack me off & make me take the cure.

I don't need a cure,

don't need a cure.

Don't need a cure,

need a final solution.

 

Buy me a ticket to a sonic reduction -

guitars gonna sound like a nuclear destruction.

It seems I'm the victim of natural selection,

or maybe just another slide in another direction.

I don't need a cure,

don't need a cure.

Don't need a cure,

need a final solution.

 

(Big battle. Ubu Kills many men)

 

Solution. Solution. Solution. Solution.

 

(Ubu fights Edge)

 

Solution! Solution! Solution! Solution!

 

Scene VIII

 

The crypt of the ancient kings of Poland in the cathedral of Warsaw.

 

MERE UBU

So, is this treasure? Slab does not sound hollow. I'm sure it's thirteen stones after the tomb of Ladislas. Great going along the wall, and there is nothing. I must be deceived. Here, however: here the stone rings hollow. At work, Mere Ubu. Courage, deseal this stone. It is good. Voila! here is the gold among the bones of the kings. In our bag, then all! Eh! what is that noise? In the old vaults who would there be still alive? No, it's nothing, hurry. My presence in these places causes me a strange fear. I'll take the rest of the gold later, I'll be back tomorrow.

A VOICE FROM A TOMB:

Never, Mere Ubu!

Mere Ubu flees terrified carrying gold stolen by the secret door, is observed by Bougrelas and his army

 

BOUGRELAS

Forward, my friends! Wenceslas lives, Poland! The old villain Pere Ubu's gone, all that remains is that the witch Mere Ubu. Run, catch the bad harpy!

 

La Mere Ubu flees pursued by all Poles. Shots and hail stones


 

Scene X

Ubu in the pit. He is fighting a Bear.

 

The Fabulous Sequel (Have Shoes Will Walk).

 

Ubu:

Hey, it's me again!

Hey!

It's ME again.

H e W a l k e d A g a i n.

Hey!

H e W a l k e d A g a i n.

HEY!

He had it on the run.

Run, run, run!

 

He hummed & hummed a zombie tune -

He whistled in the dark.

He hummed & hummed a zombie tune -

Whistled in the dark.

Put out the cat; put out the fire,

PUT OUT THE CAT.

Put out the cat; put out the fire,

PUT OUT THE CAT.

He had it on the run.

Run, run, run!

 

It was a dream; it was a tin can.

It was a dream.

It was a dream; it was a tin can.

It was a dream.

Had he kick, kicked that dream,

kicked that dream down the street?

He had it on the run.

Run, run, run!

 

(The rocks; he had it on the rocks!)

 

Abandoned.

I've been abandoned!

Put out the WHAT?

My life depends on this.

My life depends on this?

My life depends on THIS?!

Wave bye-bye.


 

An explosion sounds and Bear falls dead.

PERE UBU

Victory! Amen. Finally, is it really dead? Can I get my rock? Here is a big beast. I'm starving. What to eat? It's a shame, it would have been better served hot. This will provide an indigestion Master of Finance.

PERE UBU begins to pass out, is delirious Sees the band dressed as Bears.  

Ah! Russian Dragon Sire, be careful, do not shoot here, there are people. Ah! That Edge, it is bad, it looks like a bear. Bougrelas comes on me! The bear, the bear! I do not want to do me! Begone, Bougrelas! Do you hear, funny? Here Rosemund now, and King Wenseslas! Oh! they will beat me. And Ma! Did you get all that gold? You took my gold, miserable, you have been rummaging in my tomb is in the cathedral of Warsaw, near the Moon

De-brain, pluck finance and drink until death, that's life.

Pere Ubu asleep.

Mere Ubu enters without seeing. The darkness is complete.

MERE UBU

Finally, here I am at the shelter. After four days of racing in the snow that was my kingdom I get my refuge here.  Ah! I'm dead tired and cold. But I want to know what happened to my big buffoon, I mean my husband very respectable. Him I took, finance. Him I flies, rix dollars. Him I shoot, carrots. Ah! its good story. But alas! I lost my treasure!

PERE UBU starting to wake up.

Catch Ma, cut earNs!

MERE UBU

Ah! God! Or am I? I lose my head. Ah! no, Lord! I thank heaven to glimpse Mr. Pere Ubu sleeping near me. Let's be nice. Well, my big man, did you sleep well?

PERE UBU Half asleep

Badly! It was very hard that bear!

MERE UBU

It is even more stupid than when he left.

PERE UBU

Answer me, Shh-it bag! Who are you? Ah! I'm scared. Who speaks? This is not a bear, I guess. Sh-it! Where are my matches? Ah! I lost a battle.

MERE UBU apart.

Take advantage of the situation and of the night, simulate a supernatural apparition and make him promise to forgive our thefts.

PERE UBU

But, by St. Anthony! we speak. Jambedieu! I want to be hanged!

MERE UBU, magnifying her voice.

Yes, Sir Ubu, you are talking in fact with the trumpet of the archangel who must take the final ash and dust of the dead. Not speak! Listen to this voice severe. Is that of St. Gabriel, can only give good advice.

PERE UBU

Oh! that, indeed!

MERE UBU

Do not interrupt me or I will shut up and make you Gycyclopsed!!

PERE UBU

Ah! my gidouille! I am silent, I will not say another word. Continue, Ms. Apparition!

MERE UBU

We said, Mr. Ubu, that you were a big man!

PERE UBU

Very large, in fact, this is true.

MERE UBU

Shut up, by God!

PERE UBU

Oh! angels do not swear!

MERE UBU apart.

She-it! (Continuant.) You are married, Mr. Ubu.

PERE UBU

Perfectly, the last of minxes!

MERE UBU

You mean a lovely woman.

PERE UBU

She has claws everywhere

MERE UBU

Mr. Ubu, your wife is lovely and delicious

PERE UBU

You are mistaken I'd like to see who might be in love with her. This is a harpy!

MERE UBU

All this is a lie, your wife is a model and what you monster you!

PERE UBU

All these are truths, and my wife is a slut

MERE UBU

Beware, Pere Ubu.

PERE UBU

Ah! it's true, I forgot who I was talking about.

MERE UBU

You have a way to make you forgive all your misdeeds.

PERE UBU

Which one? I am willing to become a holy man, I want to be bishop and see my name on the calendar.

MERE UBU

You must forgive Mere Ubu. She has diverted some money.

PERE UBU

Well, voila! I forgive her when she has given everything back and she has been well thrashed.

MERE UBU

Ah! I am lost, the sun goes up.

PERE UBU

But finally I'm glad to know now that my dear wife is fleecing me. I now know from a reliable source. But Madame Apparition said nothing more. The sun is up. It’s Ma Ubu!

MERE UBU cheeky.

That is not true, I will excommunicate you.

PERE UBU

Ah! carrion!

MERE UBU

What impiety.

PERE UBU

Ah! It's too strong. I see that it's you, stupid bitch! Why the hell are you here?

MERE UBU

Poles chase me.

PERE UBU

And me, Russians  hunting me: beautiful minds think alike.

MERE UBU

It's crazy, my dear!

PERE UBU

It is very true what I say! And you're an idiot, my Gycyclopse!

MERE UBU

NOTHING is equal!

PERE UBU

NOTHING is equal!

MERE UBU

NOTHING is equal!

 

Heart Of Darkness.

 

PERE UBU

Maybe you see further than I can see,

 

MERE UBU

or maybe things just look differently.

 

BOTH

Maybe I'm nothing but a shadow on the wall.

 

PERE UBU

Maybe love's a tomb where you dance at night.

 

MERE UBU

Maybe sanctuary is an electric light -

 

BOTH

I get so tired it's like I'm another man.

And everything I see seems so underhanded.

I don't see anything that I want.

And I don't see anything that I want.

 

PERE UBU

Image, object, & illusion - Go down to the corner,

 

MERE UBU

where none of the faces fit a human form,

 

BOTH

where nothing I see there isn't deformed,

 

PERE UBU

where in a secret lab works a Doctor Moreau,

 

MERE UBU

and no private eye's gotta tell me it's a long goodbye.

 

BOTH

I get so tired it's like I'm another man.

And everything I see seems so underhanded.

I don't see anything that I want.

And I don't see anything that I want -

 

PERE UBU

Looking in two -

 

MERE UBU

Looking into -

 

BOTH

Looking into - the heart of darkness.

Looking into - the heart of darkness.

Looking into - the heart of darkness.

Looking into - the heart of darkness.

Looking into - the heart of darkness!

Looking into - the heart of darkness!  

Looking into - the heart of darkness!  

Looking into - the heart of darkness!  

 

PERE UBU

Oh! but all the same, come here, carrion! Put yourself kneeling in front of your master, you will suffer the punishment.

MERE UBU

Ho, ho, Mr. Ubu!

PERE UBU

Oh! oh! oh! after, have you finished? I began twisting the nose, pull hair, penetration of the small piece of wood, extraction of the brain by the heels, laceration of the posterior, partial or even total removal of the spinal cord, not to mention the opening of the bladder and finally the great Decollation RENEWED of St. John the Baptist, all Scriptures, both the Old and New Testaments, put in order, correct and perfected by the present Master of Finance here! Alright with you there, stupid?

MERE UBU

Grace, Mr. Ubu!

Loud noise at the entrance of the cave.

Bougrelas and Edge rushing into the cave with soldiers

BOUGRELAS

Forward, my friends! Long live Poland!

PERE UBU

Oh! oh! wait a minute, Mr. Polognard. Wait until I'm finished with my lady half!

BOUGRELAS, striking.

Here, loose, beggars, rascal, miscreant!

PERE UBU retaliating.

Here! Polognard, drunkard, bastard, hussar, Tartar calard, cockroach cookie, Savoy communard!

MERE UBU, beating well.

Here, capon, pig, felon, actor, rogue, slut, duffel! God! I'm hurt. No, I'm just dizzy.

PERE UBU

Ah! In my pants! Forward, Cornegidouille!! Turd-ez! Bleed, Skin, Slaughter, Horn of Ubu!

Balloon approaches

Ah! it lowers! And one and two! Phew! here I am out! Let us be! Follow the other, and strongly!


 

Scene XI

 

MERE and PERE in a (ship? balloon?)

 

PERE UBU

Ah! I think they failed to catch us.

MERE UBU

Yes, Bougrelas has gone off to be crowned.

PERE UBU

I do not envy him his crown.

MERE UBU

You're right, Pere Ubu. Ah! what a beautiful breeze.

PERE UBU

It is a fact that we are sailing with a rapidity which is prodigious.

MERE UBU

What a sad fool.

A puff arrives, the ship layer and whitens the sea

PERE UBU

This is not bad, it's even good!

MERE UBU

Delicious thing navigation. Ah! delight to see how soon the sweet France, our friends and our old castle Mondragon!

PERE UBU

Eh! we'll be there soon. There’s the castle of Elsinore.

MERE UBU

We’ll dazzle our fellows with narratives of our wonderful adventures.

PERE UBU

Oh! that, of course! And I'll be nominated Paris Minister of Phynance.

MERE UBU

That's it! Ah! what jerk! We are over the North Pole!

PERE UBU

This is nothing, just double the point of Elsinore.

MERE UBU

And now our noble ship rushes at full speed in the dark blades of the North Sea.

PERE UBU

Wet wild and inhospitable, which runs to the country called China, so named because the people of the country are all Chinese.

MERE UBU

This is what I call the scholarship. They say it very beautiful country.

PERE UBU

Ah! gentlemen! Ladies! Behold! so beautiful but it is not worth Poland. If there was no Poland there would be no Poles!

 

Chinese Radiation.

 

PERE UBU

No. I won't.

 

He'll be the Red Guard.

She'll be the New World.

He'll wear his grey cap and she'll wave her red book.

Then he'll tell her I want you all ways.

One way and then they'll sin. Now.

 

Yeah. Now listen to me.

Listen.

Now I was lost at sea.

She was lost with me.

Then across the broad horizon.

Ah. Out on the Big Waves I saw it coming.

I saw it coming.

I saw the Red Guard.

I saw the New World.

I saw the Big Wall out on the Big Waves.

Ah. It was an experience.

Hooray!

That's what I had to say.

Hooray! Hooray!

We will purify.

We must purify.

For that bright security that we all want we will purify.

You know what I'm saying.

Here comes the Red Guard.

Here comes the New World.

Here comes the Big Wall out on the Big Waves.

Hooray! Hooray!

We will purify.

 

MERE UBU

He'll be the Red Guard.

PERE UBU

She'll be the New World.

MERE UBU

He'll wear his grey cap.

PERE UBU

She'll wave her red book…

 

CURTAIN